


Back to Life

by Crisp_Winter_Fox



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Ace!Thor, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Chubby!Thor, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, Loki on Probation, M/M, body image issues, twice over
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-06-09 14:03:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19477405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crisp_Winter_Fox/pseuds/Crisp_Winter_Fox
Summary: Thor hears that Loki is out of prison and wants to reconnect. Thor, embarrassed by the state of his life, avoids him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from a recent BBC series that I recommend watching if you can access it. The only thing it has in common with this story is that someone is released from prison. 
> 
> Been dragging my heels with this story so badly that I'm just gonna post the first chapter to bully myself into working on it.

Thor heard the letterbox go and finally had a reason to get out of bed.  


He sat up and waited. No shard of glass stabbed him in the brain; he had not drank as much as he could have last night. He had still managed to fall asleep in his clothes, though. A hoody, even. The sweat had all but soaked through the thick material. When he managed to drag the sodden thing over his head, he realised he was wearing nothing underneath it. He cast a quick look round the floor for a t-shirt before giving up and going downstairs in just his shorts.  


Thor felt slightly pathetic for getting excited about the post. But you never knew what was going to come through your door. It was like carrying a scratchcard around – the potential was there for real excitement, real change. Then, of course, you scratched it, threw it in the trash and went straight back to your shitty little life.  


At first glance it all looked like junkmail. There was a postcard on top of the pile featuring a photo of the local library – had they started advertising? Thor turned it over expecting to see opening times and a generic ‘Make the most of your local library!’ type message, instead it read:  


_Hey Thor, hope you haven’t moved! I’ll call once I have a phone sorted. Spending a lot of time at the library atm if you wanna try to catch me there? Would love to see you again. Loki. _  
__

__Thor left the rest of the post where it was and went to sit down in the living room.  
_ _

__Loki was out. There was no way it had been a decade already. A quick bit of mental maths told him that it was more like half that. Early release then. That made sense: it was a non-violent crime and Loki had surely been behaving himself. That was the impression Thor had got from both of his visits.  
_ _

__What was the thing with the library? Did he really have nowhere else to go? He pictured Loki sat at one of the tables, reading the papers, waiting for his turn on the computer, twiddling his thumbs until closing time when he went back to wherever he was staying. The postcard was presumably something that they gave away for free. Had Loki been planning to write to him all along, or had he spotted the free postcards and had an idea? Did he borrow a pen from the librarian and write it there and then, the tip of his tongue poking between his teeth as he concentrated? Was he excited at the thought of seeing Thor again? Was he waiting there right now? For some reason that image made him profoundly sad.  
_ _

__He wondered why Loki had not called from prison to let him know that he was getting out. Had he thought it presumptuous? Or did he just remember that Thor didn’t talk on the phone unless it was completely unavoidable? He had only ever called Loki in prison once._ _

____

After a lot of faff, Loki was finally put through.  


“Hello?”  


“Loki, hi. It’s Thor.”  


“I know, they tell you that.”  


“Right… Did… Odin said he called you? Was that right? He was a little confused at the end.”  


Thor cringed, realising that, if Loki did not already know, he’d just let it drop in a stupidly insensitive way.  


“Yeah, I spoke to him; he said he didn’t have long left. So, it’s happened now? He’s gone?”  


“Last night, yeah.”  


“At least there was some warning, not like…”  


Not like Thor’s mom. Thor swallowed.  


“Would it be okay if I came to see you?”  


“That didn’t go so well last time. If you can even remember that far back.”  


The fact that he hadn't visited in years had been Loki's fault as much as Thor’s. He tamped down on the urge to remind Loki of that fact; he needed his oldest and dearest friend right now.  


“Please Loki.”  


There was a sigh on the other end. “Wednesday.”  


The day of Odin’s funeral. Whatever, Thor would make it work.  


“Ok, see you then.”  


Loki hung up. 

An electronic bleep brought Thor out of his reverie. It went off a few more times and he followed the noise until he found his phone under a cushion. He was down to 3%. And today was apparently Saturday.  


As he looked for his charger he decided that, if he was going to the library at all, it definitely wouldn’t be today. It would be full of kids on a Saturday; Loki was probably avoiding it for the same reason. Their reunion could wait for another day.  


With his phone charging and his conscience clear, Thor went and got a bottle of cider from the fridge.  


*  


When Thor woke early Monday afternoon the first thing he did was look up the opening times for the library. It was closed on Mondays. Oh well, there was nothing that he could do about that.  


He decided to look for some old photos to show Loki when he got round to seeing him. If nothing else, it would be an excuse to tidy up; Thor only ever tidied when he was looking for something.  


An hour later, he’d made good progress on his room: the dirty clothes were gone from the floor and all the rubbish was now in the bin. He could have carried on and done the whole house had he not found what he was looking for.  


There was a wealth of photos of the two of them in their teens and early twenties. From Loki’s emo phase all the way to their joint 21st birthday celebration. Thor knew that he had some even older pics in an actual album somewhere – probably in his parents’ room. He turned on the laptop instead to look at the more recent ones.  


There they were at graduation. Thor’s mom had made sure to get photos with Loki as well – her second son as far as she was concerned. Loki had lost contact with his dad by then. It occurred to Thor that Laufey might not even have been aware that Loki had gone to prison. It had been mentioned in local media but it had hardly been big news.  


Thor was surprised to find a few photos with Amora in. He remembered deleting a load of them after the incident. He went to bin these last few but the sight of a young, smiling Loki gave him pause.  


Loki had been genuinely happy with Amora until she decided to piss it all up the wall. Both Thor and Loki had been picking up the pieces of that particular train wreck for months afterwards. Thor had never been happy about their relationship. He’d known it was jealousy but he could never quite figure out what he was jealous of. Then Amora had come on to him and thrown her drink over him when he knocked her back. She told Loki that it had been the other way round. Thankfully, Loki had known him better than that.  


When Loki relayed that story to him a few days later, Thor could tell he was keeping something back. It took some coaxing but then Thor was treated to a (presumably heavily edited) replay of Amora’s rant about him.  


“It’s about time someone fucked him. He’s attractive enough, so what’s his problem? Is he gay and in denial, or is there some weird shit going on there?”  


It was pretty much verbatim the things he assumed everyone was saying behind his back. He had even made his peace with it, so long as it stayed behind his back and he did not have to deal with it. To make matters worse, Amora had apparently shouted this in front of just about everyone they knew.  


Loki tried to cheer him up by describing how Amora had gone from sneering to terrified when Sif stood up and started walking over. He mimicked her freezing, eyes going wide. She’d turned heel and gone without a word.  


Thor tried to laugh but it came out choked. The next thing he knew, Loki’s arm was round his shoulders.  


“It’s fine, you know. Whatever is going on with you, I’m here for you.”  


There was a moment then when they could have kissed. If Thor had been anyone else, they would have.  


In the end, he did delete all of the Amora photos.  


The next lot of pics were all of Thor himself, when he was roughly twenty-five. He tried to skip through them as quickly as he could but they were endless. What a vain idiot he’d been!  


Loki had gone through a phase of fancying himself a photographer. Thor, with his freshly-sculpted physique, had been his favourite model. He wasn’t topless in all of them, just the arty black and white ones. There were plenty of him in tight t-shirts; a few mid-workout ones, staring intensely as sweat glistened on his skin. Really, Thor had been very naïve in not figuring out that Loki liked him like _that _sooner. It was a difficult concept to get his head around, that he’d been so skinny, so cut. That short hair he couldn’t hide behind; designer stubble. It was like he was an entirely different person.  
__

__He had been, really, and not just aesthetically. His life was completely unrecognisable: his parents gone, no job, no Loki for five years. Thor could not even remember the last time he’d seen one of his non-incarcerated friends. His life was a shambles.  
_ _

__He shut the laptop down and got back into bed. Despite the heat, he pulled the blanket over himself. Thor realised that his heart was beating out of control. He wrapped the blanket tighter around himself and focused on his breathing. Once he’d counted backwards from one hundred, he began to feel better.  
_ _

__He cast off the blanket and went downstairs for a snack.  
_ _

__When he opened the fridge to look for food he saw that there were several bottles of that nice, fruity cider still left. It was definitely too early for drinking with the intention of getting drunk but having a nice, refreshing drink that just happened to be alcoholic was surely fine.  
_ _

__As he settled down on the sofa, he rested a hand on his belly, patting it absentmindedly. Maybe after this bottle he could finish tidying upstairs, maybe even run the hoover round.  
_ _

__A little trickle of cider escaped the corner of his mouth as he drank, lightly soaking his beard. It was probably time for the beard to go now, or at least be trimmed down to something a little more sensible. He could add it to the list of things that needed to be done before he saw Loki. He had probably been clean-shaven that last time, having come more or less straight from Odin’s funeral. He could vaguely recall Loki saying something about how handsome he looked in his tailor-made suit.  
_ _

__The next sip of cider went down wrong. Thor had to slap himself on the chest. The bottle slipped from his fingers and he was distantly aware of the dull thud it made on the floor.  
_ _

__That handsome, clean-shaven, put-together guy. That’s who Loki had fallen in love with. That’s who Loki was expecting to show up at the library, probably to sweep him off his feet and solve all his problems.  
_ _

__Cider pulsed out onto the already filthy carpet. Tears sprang to Thor’s eyes. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face Loki like this. See Loki narrow his eyes at him for a moment before the recognition hit, then the shock. Have Loki smile and nod as Thor described the mountain of shit that was his life. Loki – having been robbed of his freedom for five long years – would hear what Thor had done to his own life in that same timespan and his pity would turn to disgust. Thor could not handle that heartbreak.  
_ _

__There was no way that he was going to see Loki._ _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: descriptions of depression and related issues (Thor's personal hygiene)

Another postcard came on Wednesday. This one had a mobile number scrawled at the bottom.  


_Hey Thor! Got a phone sorted. Call me, I guess? If Thor no longer lives there, I would be so grateful if someone could give me a quick call. May drop by the house at some point – Loki _  
__

____

The first idea that came into Thor’s head was to call up pretending to be the house’s new occupant. He did not seriously consider it, but it was easy to imagine the relief he’d feel once it was over.  


A second, more sensible idea occurred: he could speak to Loki, let him know that he no longer looked the way he used to. Then at least he would not have to deal with Loki doing a double take when he saw him, his shock turning to disgust, turning to pity. If he gave Loki the chance to brace himself first, then he would only have to deal with Loki very obviously schooling his expression.  


Fuck.  


Whatever happened, Thor could not win.  


He saved Loki’s number, telling himself he absolutely was going to call later. 

It was just like how he had always told himself that he was going to visit Loki in prison.  


In Thor’s defence, it had taken Loki almost a year to add him to his visitor list. When he was informed that he could now see Loki, his initial reaction had been a spiteful ‘Why should I? Because he’s finally deigned to let me?” And so he had not gone.  


It took Frigga’s death to get him there. He went a few days after the funeral.  


He sat on a cold plastic chair. Putting even the tiniest bit of weight on the table in front of him caused it to unbalance so Thor folded his arms and leaned back. The other visitors around him were mostly women – wives and girlfriends and mothers, for a guess. He wondered who Loki would tell people was visiting: his best friend or his ex. Probably not the latter. Maybe he would even lie and say it was his brother – as little a lie as that was, having grown up together and practically sharing a set of parents.  


That last thought had Thor’s face scrunching up and he fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. He leaned on the table only for it to jerk underneath his elbows.  


“Fuck!”  


No one bothered to look over. Not that that spared Thor any embarrassment. He settled back down and watched as prisoners began to file out. Each stranger who emerged made Thor more nervous that Loki was not going to show up. It would probably serve Thor right for his pettiness in not visiting sooner but it would be a blow that he really didn’t need right now.  


Suddenly, there was Loki. Even paler than usual, his hair longer and messier, with the same burgundy smock over his clothes as the rest of the prisoners. He hugged himself with one arm as he bit the nails of his free hand. Despite not looking directly at Thor even once, he found his way straight to the table. He pulled the chair too far back before sitting. It was obviously partly to accommodate his long legs and the fact that he liked to sit with his knees half a mile apart. Thor could not help but notice that it also put that little bit more distance between them.  


Thor struggled for a way to break the ice but Loki beat him to it. Still not looking at Thor, his eyes a little unfocused even, he pulled his hand away from his mouth just long enough to speak.  


“Did she suffer?”  


Thor’s struggle for words suddenly became a lot harder. He paused for so long that Loki finally looked at him. Now they were up close, Thor could see how red his eyes were.  


“They, erm, they said it would’ve been pretty much instant. I don’t think she even saw the guy coming.”  


The guy was a long-distance lorry driver, badly overdue a break and a decent night’s sleep. Hopefully, he’d never have one again.  


Loki nodded faintly. “How was the funeral?”  


“Good, as far as funerals go. You should’ve been there.”  


He had not meant it as an accusation but the way that Loki’s features hardened to ice told him that he had taken it as one.  


“It’s not my fault that I wasn’t.”  


“Isn’t it?” Loki’s mouth dropped open but nothing actually came out so Thor pressed on. “I thought they let you out for funerals, anyway?”  


The smile that Loki gave then was deeply unsettling, like several emotions violently clashing on his face.  


“For family funerals, they said. As in, actual family. As in, the people whose deaths should actually leave me this fucking broken. I have no right to…” With tears starting to pour down his face, Loki gestured frantically, as though searching for the right words. “This grief is meant to be yours, Thor; this loss is yours. I’m just intruding. I was always just intruding.”  


“Sweethe…” Loki’s glare cut him off. It was as though he’d shot a hand across the table to stick a knife under Thor’s chin. He gave Loki a moment to collect himself before he tried again.  


“You have every right to grieve, Loki, you were family. I’m pretty sure Mom was mentally planning our wedding since we turned sixteen. She was so happy when we got together that I thought she was going to explode.”  


Loki snorted. “How disappointed she must’ve been when you couldn’t stick it out for longer than a couple of weeks.”  


That stung exactly as Loki had meant it to. Thor had been genuinely happy during the few months when they were a couple. The decision to end it had broken Thor’s heart as well, but he’d needed to figure some things out.  


Loki had stopped crying. “That’s when everything started to go wrong for me, you know?”  


Thor had already figured that out for himself. Once Loki’s crimes had come to light, Thor had done the maths and realised that Loki had started to steal from his employers roughly around the time they split up. He should have taken more notice of Loki’s moods at the time. Loki had not just been hurt, he’d been bitchy, spiteful, with a fatalistic undercurrent to his usual self-deprecating humour. He should have known that something was wrong, but fuck Loki for trying to pin the blame on him.  


“You didn’t become a liar and a thief because I dumped you. You know damn well that you put yourself in here.”  


This time, Loki’s smile was pure venom. “Did you know that she was on her way to visit me when it happened?”  


Thor had not known that. And he did not know what to say to that.  


“So, it stands to reason that, had I not ‘put myself in here’ she would still be alive.”  


Thor turned that over in his head whilst also trying to figure out why Loki was saying it. Was he blaming himself, or trying to get Thor to blame him? For his part, Thor could not figure out if he did blame him. He was right though, if she had not been on her way to the prison, she would not have run into that sleep-deprived piece of shit.  


Loki gave a sigh so over the top that several of the people who hadn’t glanced over when Thor was shouting profanities fully turned around. Whatever reaction he’d been hoping for from Thor, he must have been disappointed.  


“What are you even doing here, Thor? Who the fuck even are we to each other now? Not brothers, not lovers, not friends. There’s nothing here for you. Don’t come again.”  


Loki shoved out of the chair and walked away without looking back.  


Thor assumed that Loki would remove him from his visitors list. He never checked. 

Sometimes, Thor liked to torture himself by imagining what his mother would think about his life now. She would be sympathetic - he would be doing her a disservice if he assumed otherwise – but she would definitely be disappointed by the state of her once-beautiful home. As for the fact that he had not tried to smooth things over with Loki, she would have been furious. Frigga loved her son more than anything, his number one champion, but she was always willing to let him know when he was being a stubborn piece of shit (not that she would have phrased it like that).  


Thor decided to shake off the gloomy thoughts by making a sandwich. It quite possibly would have worked, had all the bread in his kitchen not been festering with mould. A quick look in the fridge told him that he was out of options. He was going to have to venture out to the shops.  


He needed a shower really. He’d done nothing but sit around sweating in his hot house for the last week or so, and his hair felt like a solid block of dirt. Plus, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a shower, which usually meant that it was time for another one. He checked the time – 1 p.m; if he wanted to get there and back before the kids started coming out of school, he really needed to go right now.  


He put on some clean clothes, at least, and some body spray. He ran a wet wipe round the sweatiest parts of his torso. 'Depression hygiene' he thought glibly. 

Unless he went considerably out of his way, the route to the shop took him past the library. He gave some serious thought to going considerably out of his way but it would have meant being out of the house for longer and there was no way that he was doing that.  


The library loomed at him as he went past, the little windows like narrowed eyes watching him. There was a word for the phenomenon of seeing faces in inanimate objects, wasn’t there? Loki would probably know it; he always seemed to know the most random, obscure shit. Thor could not go into the library now, of course, he’d be delayed going to the shop. Perhaps on the way back. He stamped down on the ridiculous feeling that the building was judging him.  


As usual, Thor bought way too much. This was partly strategic, so he could wait longer between shopping trips. It was also partly piss-poor planning and forgetting that he would need to carry his trolley-full of goods home with him. Every walk back from the shops was spent cursing himself for never learning how to drive. His back was drenched in sweat thank to his backpack. The canvas bags he carried made him long for his old muscles. Not that they had evaporated or anything; he was still strong. But, back in the day, carrying this kind of weight and getting into this much of a sweat would have been a routine workout for him, a near daily occurrence. Looking back now, he couldn’t see why he’d put himself through it. It certainly hadn’t made him happy. 

Going to the library on the way back was out of the question. He had perishables. There was no way that the frozen pizzas would last, not in this heat. He still stopped for a moment to watch the doors.  


The windows were all too small and high up to actually see into the library. The glass doors of the main entrance offered the tiniest glimpse. He could see someone coming towards the door. Thor’s heart jumped into his throat as the doors opened.  


It wasn’t Loki, of course it wasn’t. Just a little old lady who startled slightly when she saw Thor staring at her.  


Thor made an awkward grimace that he hoped passed for a smile and scuttled off. A gargoyle not fit to be seen in polite society. He needed to reach the safety of his disgusting house where not a soul cared enough to bother him.


	3. Chapter 3

When Thor awoke on Saturday he could not find his phone. It was neither on the bedside cabinet nor the floor. He half sat up to see if he’d plugged it in to charge the night before (as if he would be that organised). He was not particularly bothered; it wasn’t as though anyone would be calling him. If he felt up to it later, he could use the search for his phone as an excuse to do a bit of housework. Until then, he was content to stay in his big, soft bed.  


His bed was roughly a decade old. A graduation present from his parents (if Thor was going to be living at home again, he would at least be doing it in a grown-up’s bed).  


Loki, at that juncture, was sharing a house with several people he’d met at uni. He had tried to get Thor to come along with him but, after three years of living among strangers, Thor wanted to relax and enjoy the comforts of home. He had even said as much to Loki, who rolled his eyes and told him he’d become a shut-in if he weren’t careful.  


For years afterwards, whenever Loki came over, he would bitch about Thor having a much nicer bed than him.  


They had kissed for the first time on this bed.  


Loki had wanted to show Thor some of the recent photos that he’d taken. Thor had insisted on doing it in his bedroom, already blushing at the idea of his parents seeing him posing topless.  


The two of them stretched out on their bellies, Thor’s laptop in front of them.  


Loki looked over and smiled at him. “I like hanging out in your room, feels like we’re kids again.”  


Thor was not sure if he was being teased or not; Loki’s smile could mean several contradictory things.  


“Is that a dig about me still living with my parents?”  


“For once, no. Just reminds me of being sixteen and shutting ourselves away in here for days on end. Your parents must’ve thought we were boning.”  


Thor snorted. “I doubt it.”  


Loki’s smile shrank. Before Thor could figure out what he had done wrong, Loki opened the folder onscreen and began to talk him through the pictures.  


Thor narrowed his eyes at a shot of him looking especially veiny. “Have you photoshopped this?”  


Loki laughed beside him. “Don’t fish for compliments.”  


“I wasn’t. It’s just… I don’t know. I know I’m in good shape, but my waist looks tiny there and my veins don’t usually pop out like that.”  


“You’re mid-workout, your muscles are straining. Then there’s the angles and the lighting and whatever.”  


“I suppose. I’m just wary of people seeing me like that and making assumptions. I hate when people watch me working out at the gym.”  


“Erm, not only do you let me watch you working out, you let me take photos.”  


Thor shrugged. “You’re not people. You’re Loki.”  


There was a mildly awkward silence eventually broken by Loki.  


“Wanna see my favourite one?”  


He scrolled down until he came to a photo that Thor could not remember him taking.  


Once he looked properly, he realised it was a candid shot. It showed him sat on a bench reading. He couldn’t think when Loki might have taken it. The angle was not right to see the cover and Thor could not remember what the book was. He had been deep in concentration on it, anyway. If he looked closely, he could just see the tip of his tongue poking through the corner of his mouth.  


Thor groaned. “I look like an idiot.”  


Loki looked genuinely confused. “What? How?”  


Thor rolled onto his back so he no longer had to look at the picture. “For a start, my tongue is lolling out like a fucking dog. Put it together with the others and you could make it a series called ‘Meathead learns to read’.  


“I honestly have no idea what you’re on about.” Loki leaned over him so their eyes met. “Wanna know why that’s my favourite? You’re not aware of any eyes on you, you’re not performing; you just look peaceful. And beautiful.”  


Thor tried to read Loki’s face for signs that he was being mocked. Try as he might, he could not fathom Loki’s expression. Not even as his face came closer and his lips were pressed to Thor’s.  


_Oh ___  


Thor parted his lips dutifully to allow Loki’s tongue to slip in. Being kissed was nice enough but he couldn’t help but feel like he should be more of an active participant. He did his best to copy what Loki was doing with his tongue. He faltered when it occurred to him how weird it was that Loki’s tongue was in his mouth.  


Loki drew back. “Okay?”  


Thor burst out laughing. “Where the hell did that come from, Loki?”  


Loki’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. Thor wanted to take it back immediately but he had no idea what to say to make it right. He did not try to stop Loki as he scrambled off the bed and ran from the room.  


Where _had _that come from? Did Loki really like him like that? Did Thor like him back? If he had to list the people he loved most in the world, it would be his parents and Loki. But, did that translate into wanting to be boyfriends? The kiss had been nice, he wouldn’t mind doing it again. Would Loki even still want him after he’d embarrassed him like that?  
__

__Thor lay there stupidly for a full minute before it occurred to him that he should go after Loki to apologise.  
_ _

__Thor made it onto the landing and stopped in his tracks. Loki was stood just to the side of Thor’s bedroom door. He was hugging himself. He glanced up at Thor before returning his gaze to his feet.  
_ _

__“If I’d stormed out, your parents would’ve asked some awkward questions. I was gonna wait til I calmed down and leave like normal.”  
_ _

__Thor took a few cautious steps closer. “Don’t leave at all. Let’s talk about this.”  
_ _

__“How about we never mention it again?”  
_ _

__“Loki…” At a loss for anything else to say, Thor went for practicality. “Your memory stick is plugged into my laptop.”  
_ _

__Loki’s lips quirked at that. “That sounds like the dialogue in nerd porn.”  
_ _

__They laughed together.  
_ _

__A moment later they were sat on Thor’s bed again.  
_ _

__Thor took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for reacting like that. It was just so out of the blue.”  
_ _

__Loki sighed. “I know you don’t think of me like that. I know you don’t think like that at all - and that’s fine - I just… sometimes, when you really want something, you convince yourself that it’s possible despite any and all evidence to the contrary.” Loki’s tone suddenly changed, aiming for levity. “I bet the idea of being with me like that turns your stomach.”  
_ _

_“It really doesn’t, you know.”  
_

__Loki eyed him but said nothing.  
_ _

__“I think maybe I’d like it, even. Maybe we could try…”  
_ _

__“If you wanted to experiment, Thor, you should've asked when we were teens and I would have been too horny to turn you down.”  
_ _

__Thor slid his hand along the mattress until it was just resting against Loki’s.  
_ _

__“I don’t want to experiment. I love you and I love being with you.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on Loki’s cheek.  
_ _

__Loki turned his head to face him. His eyes flitted down to Thor’s lips for a moment.  
_ _

__“Thor, this could all go so very wrong.”  
_ _

__Thor shrugged. “If we don’t try, we’ll never know. Even if it doesn’t work out, there’s no way our friendship isn’t strong enough to survive it.”  
_ _

__Loki nodded slowly, the movement speeding up as he apparently convinced himself. Then he leant forward and kissed Thor again._ _

____

__

Thor found his phone disappointingly quickly. Luckily, he was still in the mood to clean. He put the completely dead phone on to charge and set about making the living room liveable.  


An hour later he dropped down onto the sofa sweating absolute bullets. The room in front of him was spotless; his mother would have been so proud. His phone now had a decent bit of charge in it so he switched it on. He wondered if he could hold on to this house-proud energy long enough to do a few more rooms. He could at least sort the recycling out in the kitchen, that was starting to stink.  


His phone pinged. Several times. One missed call and two texts. All from Loki.  


_Hey, hope this is still your number? I was hoping to pop down later, if that’s okay? _  
_ _

__

The second message was from an hour after the first.  


____This probably isn’t your number. You’ve probably been through several phones since then. If you are reading this, I’m gonna drop by the house sometime after three. Hopefully, I’ll see you then. _  
__ _ _ _

Thor checked the time: almost three. There probably wasn’t even time to call Loki to talk him out of coming; he could be walking up the drive this very second. He ran to the window; there was no sign of Loki up the street. He didn’t feel relieved, quite the opposite. Loki was coming and there was nothing he could do to stop him. His mind raced.  


____'He’s gonna see the house like this. He’s gonna see YOU like this. He’s gonna be disgusted. He’s gonna demand to know what the fuck happened to you, and you won’t be able to answer him. You are a piece of shit. The one saving grace of this whole situation was that no one was still around to see what you’d become. Now Loki’s gonna know and he’s not gonna know what he ever saw in you.' _  
__ _ _ _

Thor ran into the kitchen to splash some water on his face, he cupped his hand to his mouth for a drink. His whole face felt hot; the tears were starting to come.  


He dropped down to the floor, pressing his back against a cupboard and hugging his knees. He tried to calm down, focus on his breathing. What he needed to do was think about this logically. The house wasn’t so bad – hadn’t he just spent over an hour cleaning the living room? It wasn’t as though Loki was likely to demand a tour of the whole house. 

As for himself, there was no getting round how different he looked now but after a shower and a change of clothes, he’d be fine.  


Once he no longer felt on the edge of tears, Thor got to his feet and went to shower. Whatever else happened, he was bound to feel better once he was clean. At the back of his mind was the thought that he might miss Loki ringing the bell and not have to deal with any of this mess.  


The doorbell rang as Thor was picking out clean clothes. Only in his boxers, he swore and pulled on the nearest t-shirt. As soon as he did so, he realised that he wasn’t quite dry enough. The thin material clung to his back, no doubt leaving a huge wet patch. This Loki reunion was off to a great start so far. Assuming that was even who was at the door.  


Thor made it down to the hallway and stopped in his tracks. Through the frosted glass of his front door, he could see an unmistakable silhouette. Loki was all in black, arms folded from the look of it. Thor stood there staring. He told himself repeatedly to just go to the door but his legs would not move.  


Loki lifted his arm, to ring the doorbell again, Thor presumed; instead he brought his hand to the side of his face. Thor could not figure out what he was doing until his phone went off in the living room.  


___Thor ran for it; if Loki heard it, he would know that Thor was avoiding him like a cowardly little shit.  
_ _ _

___“Hello?”  
_ _ _

___There was a pause, no doubt Loki was surprised that he had actually answered this time.  
_ _ _

___“Thor? Is that you? It’s Loki.”  
_ _ _

___Thor had exactly one second to decide how to play this. He chose lying through his teeth.  
_ _ _

___“Loki? Wow, this is a surprise! Are you out now?”  
_ _ _

___“Yeah, I sent texts and postcards. Have you not been getting them?”  
_ _ _

___“No, sorry.” He decided to really go for it. “I wouldn’t have got the postcards anyway, I moved.” He cringed at himself.  
_ _ _

___“Oh fuck, that’s embarrassing! I’m outside your old house right now. I rang the bell but it doesn’t look like anyone’s in.”  
_ _ _

___Thor swallowed. “No way, that’s mortifying!”  
_ _ _

___“Tell me about it. So, where are you living now?”  
_ _ _

___“Norway.” Thor had no idea where the fuck that came from. At least Loki made an impressed noise.  
_ _ _

___“Exciting. Maybe I’ll come see you when I’m allowed to leave the country again.”  
_ _ _

___“Yeah,” Thor crept up to the window. “It would be nice to see you again.”  
_ _ _

___Loki was halfway up the drive, kicking his heels as he held the phone to his ear. He was wearing the same suit he had worn in court. Sharply cut, crazy expensive. He must have wanted to look nice for his reunion with his best friend.  
_ _ _

___Thor wanted to smash his own face through the windowpane for doing this to Loki. He let himself fall forward enough that his forehead thudded against the glass.  
_ _ _

___Outside, Loki turned and looked.  
_ _ _

___Thor stumbled back in a panic. Seeing Loki approach the window, he fled for the safety of the hallway. He sat at the bottom of the stairs and put the phone back to his ear.  
_ _ _

___“Thor, someone’s here.”  
_ _ _

___Thor _hmmmed _,not trusting himself to speak yet.  
___ _ _

___“Yeah, this big hairy guy just had his face pressed right up against the window. It was terrifying. Who did you sell this place to?”  
_ _ _

___Thor took a deep, unsteady breath. He sniffed. Hopefully, Loki would think it was a cold.  
_ _ _

___“I sold it to this fat, bearded shut-in. A real waste of fucking life.”  
_ _ _

___“Thor…”  
_ _ _

___“I’ll bet the house is a right mess. I bet he can go a week without showering, easily. How the fuck does a person even get their life into that sort of state? I know the neighbours all fucking hate him as well. Everyone does.”  
_ _ _

___Loki was quiet for so long that Thor began to wonder if he was still there.  
_ _ _

___“Thor… let me in.”  
_ _ _

___Thor laughed far too loudly to pass it off as normal.  
_ _ _

___“I’m in Norway.” His voice cracked on the Nor. He gave up trying to fight back the tears. They were oddly refreshing on his cheeks.  
_ _ _

___The silhouette appeared at the door again.  
_ _ _

___“I don’t know what this is, Thor, but please let me in.”  
_ _ _

___Thor tried and failed to get a handle on his breathing. “I can’t. I’m not fit to be around people.”  
_ _ _

___“I’m not people. I’m Loki.” He pressed the palm of his free hand against the glass. “Please, Thor, it’s been so long.” From the sound of his voice, Loki was crying too.  
_ _ _

___At a loss for what else to do, Thor threw his phone. He curled forwards and hugged his arms over his head. He began to rock. For once, his inner monologue decided to be supportive.  
_ _ _

____'Come on, Thor, you can do this. Just get up. Let him in. He loves you.' _  
__ _ _ _

___When Thor raised his head again, he could no longer see that unmistakable silhouette.  
_ _ _

___He was up and out the door before he could even think about it. Then he was suddenly standing barefoot on his gravel drive in just a t-shirt and boxers. His best friend was no where in sight. He turned to head back into the house.  
_ _ _

___Loki was leaning against the wall to the side of the door. He looked up at Thor with red-rimmed eyes.  
_ _ _

___Self-conscious, Thor rushed back into the house. He saw Loki startle from the corner of his eye. He probably thought that Thor was running away from him.  
_ _ _

___He turned and waited for Loki to follow him inside and shut the door.  
_ _ _

___They stood staring at each other for an awkward moment.  
_ _ _

___Thor tried to take it all in: the fact that Loki was free now, that he was back in Thor’s house and his undeserving life. That he had not seen him for over a year and he had done so purposefully. He was a pathetic man-child. Fuck his stubbornness, fuck his pride, fuck not wanting anyone to know that he lived like this. There was only one thing he wanted now.  
_ _ _

___“Loki.”  
_ _ _

___It came out as a sob. Plenty more followed.  
_ _ _

___Loki met him in the middle of the hallway. Their bodies crushed together. Thor buried his face in the crook of Loki’s neck and cried like he hadn’t done since Odin’s death. And Frigga’s before that. Before that: after Loki was sentenced; when the people he loved most in the world had begun to be taken away from him.__ _


	4. Chapter 4

The table was wonky again. Was it the same one as last time? Or were they all just like that? Thor doubted that there was a massive budget for prison furniture.  


He had been lucky to be let in, late as he was. Everyone had already been seated. He assumed someone had gone to fetch Loki; he had no idea how these things worked. Loki had better not give him any shit for being late. Another angry, bitter encounter was the very last thing he needed right now.  


Odin’s funeral had drained him. The last six months had drained him. And now he no longer had a dying father for whom to keep it together. There was precious little to stop him falling to pieces.  


Loki burst into the room, stopping suddenly. He scanned the room until he spotted Thor. Eyes downcast, he made his way over. Thor was not sure if he should stand or not so he made no move as Loki came over and sat down.  


To his complete surprise, Loki smiled at him.  


“Are you okay?” Thor couldn’t help but ask.  


“You were late. When you didn’t show up…” He trailed off.  


Thor could not fill in the blank there so he pressed on. “Yeah, sorry. It was nice of them to let me in.”  


Loki smirked. “Who’s gonna say no to you looking like that? All handsome and clean shaven. Didn’t I always say you should grow your hair out? You should definitely wear a suit more often.”  


Thor’s hand went to the messy bun he’d scraped his hair into. He had not been growing it out so much as not having time to get it cut. He also did not have time to go the gym any more but luckily his suit hid that.  


“The funeral was today.” Was all he could think to say to Loki’s unexpected compliments.  


Loki’s face fell. “Sorry. If I’d realised, I wouldn’t have insisted on today. It could have waited.”  


“It’s fine. I was glad to have an excuse to get away from my extended family and their constant bullshit questions: _what are you gonna do with the house? Have you found a job yet? How about a girlfriend? _I’ve had no fucking peace all day.”  
__

__Loki pressed his palms flat on the table. “Are you not working at the minute?”  
_ _

__Of course, Loki didn’t know about that. “Yeah, my contract ended and then Odin got ill not long afterwards so job searching really wasn’t a priority.”  
_ _

__“Fuck, Thor, what are you gonna do?”  
_ _

__Thor shrugged. He did not want to talk about that. “When was the last time you saw dad?”  
_ _

__“December. After Frigga passed, he started visiting me twice a year: my birthday and Christmas.”  
_ _

__That was news to Thor. It made sense, though. Odin had never been much for sentiment and feelings but he was big on duty.  
_ _

__“He was diagnosed in December. Did he say anything then?”  
_ _

__“No. He seemed off, but, he always seemed off.”  
_ _

__Thor knew exactly what Loki meant. Odin had not been the same since his wife died.  
_ _

__“Yeah, you don’t marry someone twenty-five years younger than you and expect to outlive them. Even if it is only for a couple of years.”  
_ _

__Loki’s hands slid across the table until they were almost touching Thor’s. Thor zoned out for a moment staring at Loki’s long fingers.  
_ _

__“Five minutes!” A guard barked from the corner of the room.  
_ _

__They were nearly out of time. Thor tried to remember everything he had wanted to say but came up blank.  
_ _

__“How’s Sif?” Loki asked.  
_ _

__“Travelling. She offered to come back to help out but I told her not to; she was in the middle of nowhere, it would have been too expensive and awkward to do just to look after me.”  
_ _

__“You should have had someone with you; I don’t like the thought of you being all alone.”  
_ _

__Thor scoffed. “What do you think is gonna happen to me, exactly? You should be worrying about yourself.”  
_ _

__Loki leaned back, crossing his arms. “Don’t get angry, Thor.”  
_ _

__“Last time I was here, you stormed off shouting at me to never come again.”  
_ _

__“I didn’t mean it.” Loki started to fidget with his hands, pressing the thumb of one into the palm of the other.  
_ _

__That was one of Frigga’s mannerisms. Thor had completely forgot about it until he saw it again. It was funny, the things you never noticed at the time. Little Loki, growing up without a mother, had imprinted on Frigga the moment he met her. Thor spent the first year or so of their friendship not sure if Loki actually liked him or if he just wanted to be around his mom. It was both, of course.  
_ _

__“Loki, I...”  
_ _

__“Two minutes!”  
_ _

__Thor could not believe it had gone so quickly. “Is that it?”  
_ _

__Loki’s smile was warm. “You were late, remember?”  
_ _

__“Sorry.”  
_ _

__“It’s okay, you’ve had a tough day.”  
_ _

__“I’ve had a tough year.”  
_ _

__People were standing up and saying their goodbyes. A little girl visiting her dad began to cry.  
_ _

__Thor did not want to be the last one out as well as the last one in. He stood and fastened his suit jacket. Loki stood too, still fidgeting. They just stared at each other. Other visitors were hugging their loved ones but they were presumably in regular contact with them and thus far more sure of their relationship than Thor was.  
_ _

__The little girl called out for her daddy and Thor just wanted to tumble back into his seat. He felt Loki’s hand on his arm.  
_ _

__“Don’t be late next time, okay?”  
_ _

__Thor returned his smile. “I won’t, Loki, I promise.”_ _

____

A little more than a year later, Thor stood freaking out in his bedroom.  


Once the crying had stopped, he had excused himself to go get dressed. He had told Loki to help himself to anything that he wanted from the fridge, only belatedly realising that this meant Loki seeing the state of the kitchen. Did that even matter anymore? What was a messy house after catching Thor lying about emigrating because he was too scared to open the door? Aside from further damning evidence that Thor’s life was a disaster.  


It occurred to him that he had left Loki alone downstairs for too long ( _he’s probably used to it by now _, his bitchy inner monologue supplied). In a dry t-shirt and some actual shorts over his boxers, Thor braced himself and went downstairs.  
__

__Loki was perched on the very edge of the sofa, as though he did not feel at home there. At least he had got himself a bottle of cider. Mercifully, there was one for Thor on the floor. As he stooped and picked it up, he realised it was on top of the cider stain from last week. It was so big that Loki must have noticed it. He wondered if Loki remembered that the carpet had originally been cream.  
_ _

__“Thanks.” Thor said, taking a seat.  
_ _

__Loki shrugged. “It’s your cider.”  
_ _

__“What if I hadn’t wanted one?” Thor said, aiming for levity.  
_ _

__“I’d’ve drank two; it’s been that kind of day.”  
_ _

__Because of his bullshit, Thor knew. At least Loki did not seem to be actively angry at him. They sat and drank in silence for a minute or two.  
_ _

__“So,” Thor ventured, “Why the library?”  
_ _

__Loki shifted in his seat to face him better. “Mainly, because the hostel expects us to be out all day apart from the curfew.”  
_ _

__Thor braced himself for more awkward silence but Loki went on, warming up as he did so.  
_ _

__“And I like it there. I tend to go over with some of the others – the ones who were inside for a long time – and help them with all their computer stuff. A lot of them don’t even have email and, obviously, you need email for everything these days so I have to start there.”  
_ _

__“Don’t the librarians mind you doing that?”  
_ _

__“Librarian. Singular. Poor thing’s rushed off their feet constantly. Probably wouldn’t care unless I started a fire or something. Maybe not even then. They should be hiring more librarians. And paying them more. Fucking austerity bullshit.”  
_ _

__Thor was pleased to see that Loki had settled back on the sofa. He copied him.  
_ _

__“Does Laufey know you’re out?” He regretted the question when Loki scowled.  
_ _

__“I wrote to him. He sent me a hundred quid.”  
_ _

__“That’s good.”  
_ _

__“And a note to never contact him again.”  
_ _

__“Ah.”  
_ _

__Not surprising really. Loki and his father and not even been on good terms before he went to prison.  
_ _

__Thor’s stomach growled. Mortified, he took a long drink of cider to hide his face.  
_ _

__“Have you not eaten?”  
_ _

__Thor shook his head. “I’ve only been up for a few hours. My, er… body clock is pretty off these days. I sleep when I feel like it; I eat when I feel like it; I hardly ever know what day it is, even.”  
_ _

__“You’re still not working?”  
_ _

__Thor shook his head very slightly. He was suddenly struck with an idea, a Thing He Could Do. “Have you eaten?”  
_ _

__Loki looked vaguely baffled by the subject change. “Not since breakfast, actually.”  
_ _

__“I’ll make us both something.” Thor stood up. “Is frozen pizza and oven chips okay? It’s probably all there is.”  
_ _

__Loki smiled up at him. “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”  
_ _

__Thor’s returning smile was small and awkward. He scuttled into the kitchen, happy to have an excuse to be on his own for a while.  
_ _

__Thirty minutes later, they were eating from plates in their laps. Half a pizza each and a handful of chips. It was the most complicated meal Thor had bothered cooking in ages.  
_ _

__Loki attempted to balance his plate whilst pulling a leg under himself.  
_ _

__“Did you get rid of your table?”  
_ _

__“Yep. Never used it.”  
_ _

__Thor had used it frequently until a few days after Odin’s funeral. He happened to catch his thigh on the corner as he was passing. It hurt like an absolute fucker. He flipped the table and stamped on the nearest leg until it broke off. He threw the ruined table in the garage and never bothered to replace it.  
_ _

__Thor noticed that Loki had barely touched his food.  
_ _

__“Is it okay?”  
_ _

__“It’s great. Not a lot of pizza or chips in prison. I’m just used to pretty small portions these days.”  
_ _

__That had been a small portion, as far as Thor was concerned. There was yet another awkward silence. Thor knew that there was no way that Loki would bring up his weight gain, but he had to be wondering about it. He cleared his throat.  
_ _

__“With my being out of work, I let my gym membership run out. I did try jogging for a while but, you know I’m not a fan of people seeing me working out.”  
_ _

__“Thor, you don’t have to explain…”  
_ _

__“And I’m probably drinking a little more than I should be right now. As for food,” He gestured at their plates, “I’m eating garbage.”  
_ _

__Loki poked at his chips. “You really don’t have to explain yourself to me.” He looked up. “Except for the beard, maybe.”  
_ _

__Thor chuckled, relieved. “It is a bit too much, isn’t it? I’ll have to get it sorted one of these days. I could not with a haircut as well but that would mean leaving the house.” He stopped, realising he was straying into self-pitying again.  
_ _

__Loki perked up. “I know a barber. I could probably talk him into making a house call, if you’d be interested in that?”  
_ _

__Thor nodded. “How do you know a barber?”  
_ _

__“From prison.”  
_ _

__Thor finished his pizza to cover the fact that he was very much not asking about prison. Loki chewed on a single chip for a ridiculously long time, probably for the same reason.  
_ _

__Eventually, Thor steeled himself. “What was it like in there?”  
_ _

__Loki gave a half-shrug. “Okay. Not fun by any stretch of the imagination but I mostly just kept myself to myself and no one bothered me. It could have been a lot worse.”  
_ _

__Thor nodded. “I’m sorry about not coming back. After Odin, I should have been down there every opportunity I got but things just piled up and I became more and more…”_ _

__Thor ran a hand through his hair, then realised he’d probably just rubbed a load of pizza grease into it. “Fuck that, actually, I should have come back after that first visit.”  
_ _

__“I specifically told you not to.”  
_ _

__“Well I should have been a fucking adult and come back anyway. I was the free one; I should have made an effort. I wasn’t there for you.”  
_ _

__Loki’s hand on his knee was also greasy. It was weirdly pleasant. “You can’t change the past. Just be here for me now.”  
_ _

__Thor cleared his throat. The tears were threatening to make a reappearance. He did his best to smile through it.  
_ _

__“I will, Loki, I promise.”_ _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I no longer have time to work on this fic when I'm at work so I'll be making slower progress than before. 
> 
> Potential TW: Thor thinks some really nasty thoughts about himself re his asexuality

As Thor lay down, Loki scooted to the end of the bed. It took Thor a moment to realise that he was moving his laptop to the floor. Something about the gentleness with which he did it made Thor chuckle.  


Loki came to lie beside him. “You laugh, Thor, but I doubt you’d be happy if your computer got kicked off the bed.”  


“I’m new to this, I didn’t realise there was so much leg flailing involved.” He wondered if Loki also heard the nervousness in his voice.  


Judging from the look on his face, he did. When Loki slid his hand over Thor’s chest, it felt reassuring rather than sexual. Thor leaned his head up for a kiss.  


Five minutes later they were utterly tangled in each other, still fully clothed. Loki was hard against Thor’s hip. Thor was mostly not. The problem was that he could not get out of his own head; he couldn’t stop thinking about things purely objectively: this is nice; that felt good when Loki did that; maybe it would feel good if he did this to Loki. And then the constant thought at the back of his mind: how far did Loki want to go, and could he handle it?  


Thor got his answer a few moments later when Loki sat up to pull off his t-shirt. Thor took that as his cue to do the same. Then Loki was on top of him, nestling between his legs. He ground his hips against Thor as he leaned down to kiss his throat. It was obvious then how far Loki wanted to go. And it was obvious that Thor could not handle it.  


Thor reached up and squeezed Loki’s biceps. Loki pushed himself up. He looked down, studying Thor’s face.  


“Too fast?”  


All Thor could manage was a tiny nod. Loki rolled off him. Thor expected anger, resentment, at the very least he thought Loki would point out that Thor had been the one to insist that they try this and now he was chickening out because it got a bit too real.  


Loki placed a kiss on his shoulder. “Don’t wind yourself up about it.”  


“I wasn’t.”  


All Loki did was raise an eyebrow, but it somehow eviscerated Thor’s weak little protest. He still let Loki kiss the pout off his face.  


“I still want this.”  


“It’s fine, Thor, we can go at any pace you want. You can take the lead in this.”  


Thor smiled sadly. “We’ll never get anywhere.”  


Loki chuckled, cuddling up to Thor’s side. “That’s fine too. I want to be with you, whatever that entails.”  


It was exactly the right thing to say, and yet Thor was painfully aware of the fact that Loki was angling his hips away from him. It must have been an awkward position in which to lie but it would have been the only one that meant he was not still poking Thor with his erection. He came to a decision and acted on it before he could worry about embarrassing himself. He hugged Loki and rolled him onto his back.  


Loki’s confused murmurs turned to gasps when Thor went for his flies. As Thor took him in hand, his eyes closed and his head thudded back on the pillow. It must have taken him considerable effort to speak.  


“Don’t feel obligated.”  


“I don’t.” Thor hoped Loki kept his eyes close; he knew his face was going to turn beetroot red when he said the next part. “I want to make you come, Loki, I want to see it.” It was the truth. And he hoped it would cover the way his hand was awkwardly fumbling.  


Loki’s eyes opened slowly. He looked thoroughly wrecked.  


Thor stayed his hand, waiting for more explicit permission.  


Loki mirrored his tiny nod from earlier.  


Thor smiled and got to work, taking in the sight of Loki arching off the bed, his little gasps of pleasure. This was certainly something that he could get used to.  


*  


The doorbell woke Thor on Sunday morning. He dragged himself out of bed at the ungodly hour of eight a.m.  


Loki was apologetic, at least. “I’m really sorry, they kick us out first thing and there’s nowhere to go on a Sunday.”  


“Mermmmf.” Was Thor’s only reply. It was too early for making words.  


Loki smirked at him but said nothing. He made his way through the living room and into the kitchen, Thor trailing behind. He headed to the pile of recycling that Thor had never got around to.  


“Thought I’d get this sorted.” Loki called over his shoulder. “Saw it yesterday and I’ve got nothing on today.”  


Thor cleared his throat. “You don’t have to clean up after me, Loki, I can manage.”  


“You say that, Thor, but there’s rather a lot of evidence to the contrary.” He turned around to face him. “Why don’t you get back in bed for a bit?”  


Loki was clearly on some sort of mission and Thor did not have the energy to try to talk him out of it.  


“I’m going upstairs to get dressed. I’ll be down in a minute.”  


When Thor came downstairs two hours later (his bed had looked too inviting to pass up) Loki was hoovering. They awkwardly stepped around each other until Thor gave up and flopped onto the sofa. He didn’t bother trying to get Loki’s attention until he was finished.  


Loki took a seat in the armchair across from Thor. He looked exhausted but pleased with himself.  


“Did you get it out of your system?”  


Loki shrugged. “No, I just ran out of cleaning to do. Unless I went upstairs.”  


“Are you that bored or was my house just that dirty?”  


“Both.”  


They shared a smile. It was nice to have Loki there. It was nice to have a friend there at all, even if said friend was acting more like a housekeeper. Thor tried to remember what friends did together. All the answers that his brain supplied him with – bars, restaurant, cinema – involved leaving the house and spending money. Maybe he should offer to feed Loki again.  


Loki cleared his throat. “There’s actually something I need, I meant to ask yesterday but I forgot in all the… commotion.”  


Thor winced slightly, remembering said commotion.  


“Your parents said they’d keep some stuff for me while I was away; do you know where it is?”  


Thor could vaguely recall his mother mentioning something about Loki’s stuff. He had been sulking at the time, though, and not paid much attention.  


“It’s either in the garage or the shit room.”  


“The what now?” Loki’s eyebrows were raised.  


“Oh, erm… the third bedroom, it’s been full of crap for years so Dad and I started calling it that.”  


“After Frigga passed, presumably, she would have slapped you both.”  


“Yeah.”  


Normally, a thick maudlin blanket would have engulfed him at the thought of letting his house-proud mother down but Loki was there with him. He was smiling. They were just two people sharing a warm memory of someone they loved. 

The shit room might have been more appropriately named the spider room. Loki actually yelped when he opened the door. Thor could not help but chuckle.  


“It’s a couple of cobwebs, Loki, you’ll be fine.”  


“It looks like someone went apeshit with Halloween decorations. When was the last time you were in here?”  


Thor shrugged, then realised that Loki could not see him as he was trying to make his way towards the window without touching anything with any part of his body.  


“I think I shoved some of Dad’s stuff in here, but that’s got to’ve been well over a year ago”  


Having opened the window, Loki turned, brushing his hands on his thighs. His eyes darted around the room.  


“Yeah, I can’t work like this. I’m gonna go find a handheld hoover.”  


“Good luck, I don’t have one.”  


Loki returned a few minutes later with two handhelds. He shoved one at Thor.  


“It’s amazing what you can find if you actually look for things, isn’t it? Help me get rid of some of these webs.”  


Thor pouted. “Make sure the spiders aren’t still in them.”  


He couldn’t see Loki, but Thor knew he was rolling his eyes at him. “I know, I’ll leave them for you to put outside.”  


Thor smiled and got to work.  


After the de-webbing came sorting through piles of boxes in search of Loki’s stuff.  


“Is there anything in particular I should be looking for?”  


“It’s mostly clothes and books. All the important stuff like papers and whatever should be in my green suitcase so keep an eye out for that.”  


The first box that Thor opened contained photo albums. So that’s where they were. He flicked through dozens of snaps of his parents in the eighties. Frigga’s hair went through a variety of styles; Odin’s remained the same shape but got gradually greyer. There were no wedding photos, they were in their own special album. There were plenty of Frigga’s pregnancy, though. The very last picture in the album was of his mother in a hospital bed, cradling his tiny, pink body.  


Thor became aware that Loki was watching him. He did not look up until Loki spoke.  


“Everything all right?”  


“Yeah, I’m fine.” He was pleasantly surprised to find it was the truth.  


When he looked back drown, he caught a blur of green in the corner of his eye. He put the photo album down and shoved the box to the side. Moving a few other boxes and lifting a pile of coats revealed Loki’s suitcase. Thor turned to announce it but found that Loki was already at his side.  


“Oh, thank fuck; I was worried that Odin might’ve hidden it somewhere and forgot to tell either of us.” He dropped to his knees to open it.  


“What’s in there, anyway, your passport and stuff?”  


“They seized my passport - wisely, really. I probably would’ve fled the country given chance.”  


There was a rustling of papers and then Loki stopped dead. His mouth dropped open. He pulled out a wad of cash so thick he could barely hold it in one hand.  


“What the fuck is that, Loki?”  


Loki shook his head. “This shouldn’t be here.” He got to his feet. “I’d have to count it but I think it’s the money I gave Odin to send me in prison.”  


Thor’s confusion must have shown on his face.  


“Things cost money in prison; someone has to send it you from the outside. I gave him five grand to send me over the years. He must have just paid it from his own pocket and never said anything.”  


That was plausible. Odin could definitely spend several thousand pounds on someone but then not tell them just in case they had a feeling at him.  


Loki stretched out his arm. “Take it. It’s your dad’s money.”  


“What? No, he put it aside for you.”  


“Please, Thor, it doesn’t feel right and you’ve been out of work for however long.”  


Thor took hold of Loki’s wrist and gently pushed his arm back to his chest.  


“I’m doing fine for money. We got a settlement from the company who employed that driver, and Dad took out a life insurance policy on himself after Mom. With how cheaply I live, I could be fine for years.”  


Loki clutched the money to his chest, but he still looked unsure.  


“Please, it was a gift from Odin. Just think of what you could do with it.”  


Loki looked down at his hand. “I could put a deposit on a flat. I wouldn’t get one anywhere near as nice as my old place but at least I’d be out of the hostel.”  


That gave Thor a weird feeling in his chest. Loki wanted to move away. They would lose touch again. It occurred to him that he could ask Loki to move in with him, even if that would potentially bring some bad memories.  


*  


Loki’s flat was small but so fancy. Thor very deliberately never asked how much he paid in rent. And he’d been spending enough time there to have plenty of opportunities to ask. It most likely would have gone the same way as when Thor asked about Loki’s job – something in finance which had Thor’s eyes glazing over whenever Loki tried to explain it to him.  


And the bed that Loki had treated himself to put Thor’s to shame. Thor could spread eagle out and there was still room for Loki to lie next to him, just as they were doing now. Thor felt pretty pleased with himself for how exhausted Loki sounded. He knew he must be doing something right if Loki was that wrecked.  


Hand jobs had been pretty easy to master. Afterall, it just involved Thor doing what he did to himself but awkwardly reversed. Blow jobs, though, had been completely new ground. There had been a lot of stopping and looking up to make sure that Loki was still enjoying it (the response to which was often an eyeroll and a mocking thumbs up that had Thor laughing too much to continue). He had also been terrible at receiving them, being far too worried to relax (what if he tasted weird, what if he smelled, what if he suddenly thrusted and Loki choked). He must have improved sufficiently in both regards. When he arrived that day, Loki dragged him to the bedroom announcing that he was going to show him why people chuckled if you said the number sixty-nine.  


The issue of them fucking properly (Thor still referred to it as such no matter how many times Loki told him off for it), was a constant background noise for Thor. It haunted all the happier moments in their relationship. It whispered to him that none of this was real, that Loki was going to get sick of him and get himself a real boyfriend. Loki, for his part, had been perfect from the very beginning. Never pressuring, barely even bringing it up. But Thor knew it had to be coming.  


Thor sat up and scanned the floor for his clothes. Loki wrapped his arms around his shoulders and placed a kiss against his neck.  


“Move in with me.”  


Thor turned his head as much as he could. “What?”  


“I’ve been meaning to ask for a while but I was trying to find the right words but then I thought, just come out with it, you know?”  


Thor reached up and placed a hand over Loki’s where it rested on his chest. “It’s a bit soon, isn’t it?”  


Loki snorted. “We’ve known each other for twenty years. You’re here all the time, anyway.”  


“I’m not sure how Mom would feel about me moving out.” Thor knew it sounded pathetic.  


“Actually, she asked me a couple weeks ago if I thought you’d be moving in soon.”  


“Well she should’ve asked me.”  


Loki’s arms slipped from his shoulders. He came to sit next to him. “You’re not upset, are you? We weren’t plotting behind your back or anything, we were just talking about the new flat and she just happened to ask.”  


Thor looked over at him, all tiny and penitent. “I’m not upset, I promise. Is it okay if I have a shower? I feel all sweaty and gross.”  


Loki smiled. “Of course, you don’t need to ask.”  


Thor left him with a kiss.  


He spent several minutes just standing under the spray as his thoughts ran and ran.  


They would be sleeping side by side every night, how would the issue of sex not come up then? Loki was being patient because he knew that Thor was a virgin but after they’d done it once he’d assume that that was it now, the floodgates were opened or whatever. What if Thor didn’t like it? Could he bring himself to say so, or would he just put up with it several times a week for the rest of his entire fucking life? Fuck. This was why normal people got their first relationships out of the way in their teens, so they didn’t have pathetic freak outs about their boyfriends wanting to go all the way in their fucking twenties.  


Thor let himself sob loudly for a couple of minutes before he wiped his face and got on with the business of showering.  


Loki was not in bed when Thor came out of the en suite.  


“Finally! You were in there for ever.”  


Thor turned to see Loki walking in eating some kind of wrap.  


“It’s a good shower, isn’t it? Don’t you wish you could use it every day?”  


Loki was wearing Thor’s discarded t-shirt and a pair of his own boxers. His hair was a mess of soft curls and his face was still a little flushed from sex. He looked mundanely, blissfully content.  


THAT. That was what Thor wanted every day. And he could have it if only he could silence the little voice telling him that he couldn’t.  


He took a deep breath. “Loki, I think we should split up.”  


*  


“Loki, I…”  


Loki looked up at him expectantly, the wad of cash still in his hand.  


Yet again, Thor fumbled. “Is everything else there that you thought would be?”  


Loki blinked several times. “Erm, yeah, I think so.” He got back into position next to the suitcase and peered inside.  


Thor shoved some more boxes out of the way so that he could sit next to him. He let the awkward silence drag on for far too long before he placed a hand on Loki’s shoulder.  


“Move in with me.”  


Loki’s jaw hit the floor. “What?”  


“I have a three-bedroom house all to myself, it’s ridiculous. You’d save money on a deposit and you wouldn’t be at the mercy of some scummy landlord.”  


“I suppose. I’d pay rent of course.”  


“How about you pay half the bills and get your own food?”  


Loki nodded, smiling. “Can I bring my stuff first thing tomorrow?”  


“Of course.” Thor pulled him into an awkward hug. When they withdrew, Loki looked worried again.  


“You know this is a crazy idea, right?”  


Thor shrugged. “I can just kick your ass out if I get fed up of you.”  


“Have you ever been slapped across the face with a wad of cash?” 

That night, Thor spent far too long trying to remember how to set an alarm on his phone. He spent even longer marvelling at the fact that – for the first time in longer than he could remember – he had a reason to get up the next morning.


	6. Chapter 6

Thor was so excited to be having a friend over that he barely slept the night before. Loki was due at lunchtime. Thor spent most of the morning watching for him out the front window just in case he came several hours early. Finally, he settled on the bottom step to watch the front door.  


The moment that the top of a small head appeared in the frosted glass, Thor was on his feet. Usually, he wasn’t allowed to open the front door by himself but it was clearly Loki so that was surely all right.  


Loki stood on the doorstep smiling shyly. Thor looked past him for a sign of his dad or a car.  


“Did you walk here on your own?”  


Loki’s smile faded. “Dad said he didn’t care if I came but he couldn’t be bothered to drop me off.”  


Thor had no idea what to say to that so he just stepped aside to let Loki in. Loki went to walk straight into the living room.  


“Wait!”  


Loki stopped dead in his tracks.  


“You have to take your shoes off first.”  


Thor shut the door making sure he locked it properly like he had seen his parents do. When he turned back, Loki’s shoes were off and he was staring at his feet.  


“Loki?”  


“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”  


It took Thor a moment to realise that he was talking about the shoes.  


“It’s okay. It’s not like you brought any mud in with you.” When that didn’t seem to cheer Loki up, he added, “One time, Dad didn’t take his shoes off and he’d trod in dog shit. It got all on the carpet and the furniture and even the walls.”  


Loki’s eyes shot up in shock. Then he grinned.  


“No, he didn’t”  


“It’s true! You can even still see a bit of it on the wall. Come on.”  


Thor grabbed Loki’s hand and dragged him into the living room. They stopped by the sofa.  


“If you stand on the sofa and look over there, you’ll see it.”  


Loki did so. It brought him high enough to see into the mirror above the mantle. The only sign that Loki got the joke was a slight narrowing of his eyes for a moment. He cleared his throat and pointed across the room.  


“What’s that?”  


Thor moved to get a better look at whatever Loki was pointing at, then yelped as Loki landed on his back. They span around like a giggling, eight-limbed monster until Frigga walked in. Thor came to a stop and let Loki slide off his back.  


“Is this your friend? I didn’t hear the doorbell.”  


“I was watching for him so I could open the door.”  


Frigga frowned for a fraction of a second. She turned to Loki. “I thought your dad might’ve come in to say hi?”  


Loki’s eyes were firmly on his feet again. Thor was not sure if lying was a good idea, but he did not want Loki to be embarrassed again.  


“He waited in the car.”  


Loki nodded. “He was in a hurry.”  


Frigga did not look entirely convinced. “Okay. Have you already had your lunch, Loki? Or did you bring one with you?”  


Loki looked from Frigga to Thor and back again. “Was I supposed to?”  


Frigga chuckled. “Of course not. Come with me and I’ll get you fed.”  


She turned and walked to the kitchen. Thor made to follow her but Loki put an arm out to stop him. He leant in and whispered. “Your mom’s really nice.”  


Then he ran after Frigga without waiting for Thor’s reaction.  


When it was time for Loki to go home, the boys had to admit that no one was coming to get him. Later, Thor would overhear his parents discussing Laufey. It would be the only time in his entire life that he heard his mother swear.  


As Odin was getting the car out of the garage to take Loki home, the boys said their goodbyes.  


Loki hugged Thor tightly and whispered, “I wish I could live here with you.”  


Thor hugged him back. “Me too.”  


*  


Once the panic and confusion due to being woken up by an alarm had worn off, Thor messaged Loki asking if he needed help bringing his stuff over.  


Loki replied to say that he could manage a single holdall by himself, thanks, and he would be over at ten.  


Despite being able to remember the last time he’d had one, Thor took a shower. He felt decadent, like Cleopatra bathing in asp’s milk. He laughed aloud at that, the noise of the shower covering it. That gave him the idea to sing. It turned out that he could remember just about all the words to ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’, although not necessarily in the right order.  


The night before the two of them had talked about sleeping arrangements and come to the decision that Thor would move into his parents’ room and Loki would move into his. As weird as Thor felt moving into his parents’ bedroom, it would’ve felt even weirder to have someone else in there, even if it was Loki.  


That, of course, meant that Thor had to get his bedroom in order. He started with a much-needed general tidy: rubbish in the bin, the bin emptied, dirty clothes off the floor. With that done, he went through his wardrobes to see if there were any clothes that he could get rid of. He filled two big bags with things that no longer fit him and dropped them in the shit room until he got the chance to take them to a charity shop. When it came to what to do with the rest of his clothes, he hit a stumbling block. He could not move them into his parents’ room without first emptying one of their wardrobes. That felt like a step too far. Luckily, he knew that Loki did not have much in the way of clothes. He moved everything of his to one wardrobe and left the other free for Loki. He opened the window in case he’d made the room smell sweaty in the night. He considered lighting a scented candle but decided it was a bit over the top.  


The doorbell rang just as Thor was coming down the stairs. He added ‘find a spare set of keys for Loki’ to his mental to-do list.  


Loki did not just have the single holdall he’d mentioned, he also had several plastic bags.  


“Did some shopping.” He said by way of explanation. He dropped the bags onto the sofa and started rummaging through them. “Did you know you have to pay for plastic bags now?”  


“Erm, yeah, that came in a while ago.” Thor tried to remember when exactly. Within the last five years, he supposed. “Are you sulking cuz you had to spend an extra twenty pence?”  


“No, but it would’ve been nice for you to warn me.” Loki found whatever it was he was looking for – something in a rectangular cardboard box – and turned around.  


“Do I need to warn you about the smoking ban as well?”  


“Enforced in July 2007 based on the Health Act 2006. Now stop being a prick or you’re not having your present.”  


Without waiting to see if Thor would stop being a prick, Loki handed him the box. Then he scooped up the rest of the bags and headed for the kitchen.  


Thor turned the box over in his hands. The fancy font on the front of the package announced that it was a Beard Grooming Kit. It contained a comb, brush, little scissors, beard oil and beard wash. He could not work out if it was a gag present or not. Either way, it warmed his heart. He followed Loki into the kitchen.  


Loki was putting his groceries in the fridge. On impulse, Thor wrapped his arms around his waist. Loki stiffened for a moment then relaxed into it. Thor rested his chin on his shoulder.  


“Thank you.”  


Loki patted Thor’s arms on his waist. “You’re welcome; can I shut the fridge now?”  


Thor stepped back. He expected Loki to call him a sentimental knobhead or something. Instead, Loki shut the fridge door then pulled Thor into a proper hug. He leaned into Thor ear and whispered, “Sentimental twat.”  


Thor barked out a laugh and hugged him even tighter.  


When they parted, Thor held up his present. “What exactly do I do with this?”  


Loki rolled his eyes, taking the box from him. He pointed to each item as he went along. “You wash the beard with this, you comb the beard with this, trim it with this, brush it with this.” He got stuck on the beard oil. “I don’t know what the fuck this does, maybe it’s like conditioner?”  


“So, you want me to keep the beard now?”  


“Fuck no, but if you’re gonna anyway, you’re at least gonna look after it.”  


Thor combed a hand through the mess on his face, ponderously. “You gonna help me wash it and comb it and trim it and maybe condition it?”  


“Yes, but not today. I’ve got a job interview.”  


Thor hugged him again.  


“For fuck’s sake, Thor.”  


“Sorry,” He pulled back. “I’m just excited. What is it?”  


“It’s bar work.” Loki went back to his groceries.  


Thor did not miss the bitterness in his voice. “Hey, it’s a job, within weeks of being released from prison. What are you gonna say about that, actually?”  


“I was travelling for several years and worked in a couple of bars abroad.”  


“And you think they’ll buy that?”  


“Sif said I could put her down as a reference.”  


“So, you’re dragging Sif into this? Wait, when did you speak to Sif?”  


“Facebook – they may steal your data and fuck with elections but they’re really good for tracking down people you haven’t seen for years. Actually, maybe that should go in the negative column as well.”  


Thor placed a hand on Loki’s arm. “Loki, can you get into trouble for this?”  


“They can’t arrest you for pretending to go on holiday, Thor. Unless they run a DBS check – which I can’t see them doing for a crappy bar job – I’ll be fine. The worst that can happen if they find out is that I don’t get the job. Can you go back to being annoyingly happy for me now?”  


Thor gave his arm a squeeze. He took a bag from the side to be helpful.  


“Did you speak to anyone else on Facebook?”  


“Volstagg, of all people.”  


“No way!”  


Volstagg had been a mature student at the same university as them. They had seen him a handful of times since graduation.  


“He invited me to stay with him even. I would’ve taken him up on it if he hadn’t mentioned that he had eighteen-month-old twins. And his dog had just given birth.”  


Thor chuckled. “I can just picture you cowering in the corner.”  


Thor put a couple of things in the cupboard, then checked to see if the bag was empty. The receipt was lying in the bottom. He checked to see that Loki wasn’t looking and got it out to see how much his grooming kit had cost. It was not on there. In fact, the receipt looked pretty short for the amount of shopping that Loki had.  


“Did you go to two shops?”  


“No, why?”  


Thor crushed the receipt and dropped it back into the bag. “Just wondering; it seems like you have a lot.”  


“Well, they sell lots of things in shops these days.”  


Thor made a non-committal noise and got on with unloading the shopping.  


*  


Thor filled the time that Loki was away with looking for spare keys. Eventually, he thought to check the garage. In a box of random crap on one of the shelves, he found Odin’s little bundle of keys. They consisted of: front door, back door, garage and car.  


He turned to face Odin’s black VW Golf, still taking up space in Thor’s garage because he didn’t want to sell it.  


His parents bought him a course of ten driving lessons for his eighteenth birthday. Thor only ever took eight of them. He found being in charge of an enormous machine that could kill himself and everyone around him extremely anxiety provoking. And people were such arseholes to learner drivers. A grown man had actually got out of his car to try to fight Thor at a set of traffic lights. He cancelled his last two lessons and told his parents his instructor was ill. Eventually, they just forgot about it.  


Not being able to drive had never bothered Thor until Odin was diagnosed. His father had insisted on driving himself for as long as he was able to. After that, there were multiple taxi trips to and from the hospital. Then Thor had taken the bus whenever he went to see him in the hospice.  


The sight of the car, along with the broken table shoved in the corner behind it, was enough to keep Thor out of the garage. It was like looking at a monument to his failures as a son and a human being. But it didn’t have to be. Loki could drive. Thor clutched the keys to his chest and returned to the house. He spent the next hour or so on comparison sites for car insurance. 

There was a THUD at the front door before the bell rang. Thor placed his laptop down on the sofa and went to answer it.  
Loki was leaning against the door. He had the wherewithal to straighten when Thor opened it. He stomped past Thor without saying hello. There was a box under his arm but Thor did not get a look at it. He locked the door and followed Loki.  


They ended up in the kitchen, where Loki slammed the box onto the counter so hard it made Thor wince. Loki’s face was thunder when he spun around.  


“Why didn’t you tell me about the plastic straw ban?”  


Thor laughed, a mixture of shock and relief that they were back to this joke. Then he caught sight of Loki’s icy glare. He wasn’t joking.  


“I didn’t think to.”  


“Well it came up and I had no idea what they were talking about. They saw right through me. It’s obvious I didn’t spend five years abroad and come back this pale. Do you have any idea what it’s like to grovel for a job that’s woefully beneath you and still not get it?”  


“They said you didn’t get it?”  


“No but it was obvious, that’s why I got this on the way out.” Loki gestured towards the box, which Thor could now see contained peach cider. He decided not to ask Loki what he meant by ‘got it on the way out’. “But that was stupid cuz I had to carry it home on the bus and stand at the door like an idiot waiting to be let in. If I’m living here now, shouldn’t I have keys?”  


Thor fished the keys out of his pocket and tossed them to him.  


Loki looked through them until he found the key for the Golf. “Are these Odin’s car keys?”  


“Yep. It’s still in the garage. I thought we could get it insured for you.”  


Loki’s mouth dropped open. Nothing came out of it. Thor rushed to fill the silence.  


“Just thought it would be useful if someone in the house drove. For shopping trips or emergencies or whatever.”  


Loki’s eyes were wet. “Thanks, but… I, er, I don’t know if I remember how to drive. I can’t seem to remember how to do anything else.”  


Thor crossed the room to be near to him. “You’re doing fine, Loki. It’s gonna take time to get back to where you need to be but you have time and you have me.” He bumped their shoulders together.  


Loki looked up at him and smiled. “Yeah. Sorry about being a massive bitch just now.”  


“Don’t apologise for being yourself.”  


There was a beat. And then the two of them were laughing hysterically. Loki slapped Thor on the chest.  


“Shut up and get us some glasses.”  


*  


Thor had not been drunk since before Loki turned up. He was wary of embarrassing himself and thus stuck to half pints. He paced himself and had three, with soft drinks in between.  


Loki did not pace himself. Loki had a pint for every one of Thor’s halves and then he drained the box. He turned down Thor’s repeated offers of soft drinks.  


That was how Thor came to be sat on the sofa with Loki clinging to him like a limpet and humming a little tune to himself.  


Loki had one arm resting across the top of Thor’s belly. He nuzzled his face into Thor’s chest.  


“It’s better. Cuddling you like this. It’s better now.”  


Thor didn’t have to try too hard to read between the lines on that one.  


“Was skinny me not good at cuddles?”  


“He was all right.” He squeezed Thor around the ribs. “’s more of you now, though. I like that.”  


Loki perked up suddenly, lifting his head to face Thor. “You remember big Eeyore?”  


Thor shook his head; he had no idea what Loki was on about.  


“I won him for Amora but she didn’t want him so I kept him.”  


He remembered then – a three-foot-tall Eeyore that Loki won on a fairground stall. It had sat on the end of his bed for several years. The poor thing didn’t make it to Loki’s fancy flat.  


Loki carried on. “Anyway, he was perfect to lie against or even cuddle up to when I felt like shit. He was all miserable and depressed but he was cuddly and he cheered me up.”  


Thor finally realised where Loki was going with this. “I’m Big Eeyore?”  


Loki nodded. “Yep. You’re big and sad and I love you.”  


As usual, Thor was not quick enough to register the change in Loki’s expression before he leaned up and kissed him. He very gently shoved him back.  


Loki made an annoyed noise. “I want you.” He ran his hands over Thor’s torso. “I wanna see how you look now.”  


Thor stood, almost knocking Loki off the sofa. He made for the kitchen. He heard Loki groaning behind him.  


He splashed some water on his face before filling a glass for Loki. When he came back Loki was sprawled over the sofa, eyes shut.  


“Hey, can you drink this for me? Then we’ll get you up to bed.”  


Loki opened one eye. “’m sleeping here.”  


Thor didn’t much like the idea of trying to get an unwilling, belligerent Loki up the stairs. He pulled Loki’s shoes off and pulled the throw from the back of the sofa over him. He crouched down to Loki’s level.  


“Okay, I’m gonna leave this glass of water just here. Do you need anything else? Do you think you might be sick?”  


Loki stared at him for a moment before he spoke. “Did you fuck her?”  


“What? Who?”  


“Jane the doctor. Doctor Jane. Did you fuck her? _Properly _?” He made a shitty attempt at air quotes.__  


Thor stood back up. “Loki, I…”  


“I bet you did. I bet she wasn’t even going to prison the next day.”  


Thor did not know where to begin responding to that. Luckily, Loki chose that moment to pass out.  


How the fuck did Loki know about Jane? Thor mentally ran through every conversation they’d had over the last few days. He could not recall mentioning Jane at all. As for the rest of Loki’s comments… Thor told himself that he was just drunk. He probably would not even remember it in the morning.  


Thor went to bed in his own room that night. Someone should get to enjoy the fresh sheets he’d dug out for Loki.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Thor very briefly imagines Loki killing himself at the beginning.

As luck would have it, someone was leaving the building just as Thor was arriving and held the door for him. The guy either recognised him as his neighbour’s boyfriend or else wasn’t particularly paying attention. Either way, it meant that Thor didn’t have to rely on Loki buzzing him in.  


The door to Loki’s flat was unlocked. Thor was not sure if that was a good sign or not. He braced himself and went in.  


The place was practically empty. All of Loki’s furniture was gone save the sofa. Thor could see two bare feet resting on the arm.  


“Loki?”  


No response. The feet did not move.  


As he crossed the room, Thor’s mind raced with images of what he might find. Loki dead in various ways, the least gruesome and most realistic of which was a peacefully unconscious Loki next to an empty pill bottle.  


When he leaned over the back of the sofa, a living Loki peered up at him.  


“What the fuck are you doing here?”  


“When someone leaves me several voicemails implying they might be a fucking danger to themselves, I check on them.”  


Loki sat up, hugging his knees to his chest. “I implied no such thing; it’s not my fault that you read too much into it.”  


Thor came around and took a seat. “It is your fault that you ignored all my frantic texts and calls.”  


Loki made a vague gesture in the direction of the floor. Thor followed it to see the smashed-up remnants of Loki’s phone.  


“Can’t take it with me, can I?”  


Thor shuffled in his seat to face him. He reached out and placed a hand on Loki’s leg.  


“Hey, it’s not over yet. They might not find you guilty and, even if they do, they might not go with a custodial sentence.”  


“Don’t be so fucking naïve, Thor. I stole from rich people, I’m fucked.”  


Thor slid his hand down to Loki’s foot. He rubbed his thumb over his ankle in soothing circular motions. Their eyes met for a moment. Then Loki was stretching out to place his feet in Thor’s lap. Thor dutifully took up the nearest one and started to rub it. They remained in silence for a few minutes.  


“Everything was perfect, wasn’t it? I had a high-paying job, a nice place to live, a boyfriend I loved. I knew it couldn’t last; I knew it was all gonna go to shit.”  


“So, you decided to help speed things along?” Thor expected Loki to snap at that but when he turned to him, he just looked tired, defeated.  


“You wouldn’t understand. Whenever I did it and got away with it – temporarily, as it turned out – it was like a high. And for weeks afterwards I’d feel so… peaceful.”  


Thor did not get it and it must have shown on his face. Loki tapped his right temple.  


“This shut up. All the nagging doubts, the hateful running commentary that’s a constant background noise to my every waking moment.”  


That made sense. If only Loki had found a way to do it that didn’t land him in prison.  


“Mom’s worried about you.” Thor felt stupid as soon as he said it, of course she was worried about Loki going to prison. “She was talking the other day about how she didn’t see you for months and then suddenly she hears you’ve been arrested.”  


Loki made no response. Thor lifted his feet off his lap so he could turn and lean in closer.  


“Where’ve you been, Loki? You could’ve come by any time; we’d all have been happy to see you.”  


Loki snorted. “What kind of fucking sad case constantly hangs around his ex’s parents’ place?”  


Thor cupped the side of Loki’s neck. “The kind who’s still part of the family, no matter what happened between him and his ex.”  


Loki made a disgusted noise. He slapped Thor’s hand away and shoved him back. Then suddenly he was scrambling into Thor’s lap.  


Thor held him, rubbing his hands along his back until the trembling stopped. Finally, Loki came back to himself and leaned back.  


“Stay with me tonight?”  


“Loki, I don’t think…”  


“I don’t mean… we wouldn’t have to do anything. Just one last night where I’m not alone, please Thor.”  


That was the moment when Thor finally accepted the reality of Loki going to prison, of potentially being without him for a decade. He held Loki close and stood up.  


Loki’s legs wrapped around his waist easily. His hands came up to push Thor’s hair back to study his face. Whether he was trying to decipher Thor’s intentions or just trying to commit his face to memory, Thor could not be sure.  


When he laid Loki down on the bed, there was a beat when Thor himself was not sure what he was going to do. Then Loki opened his legs, making space for him. Thor settled down there, kissing him.  


The condoms and lube were still next to the bed. Loki showed Thor how to prepare him, how to put a condom on and push his way into him. Loki clung to his shoulders the whole time, talking all the way through. He switched between praise and instruction. Finally, he sobbed _I love you _as he came. Thor was too distracted by his climax to do the same, but he held Loki to his chest and pressed kisses into his hair until he fell asleep.  
__

__As Thor lay in bed ruminating, he hoped he had given Loki a fleeting moment of peace.  
_ _

__*  
_ _

__Thor found Loki attempting to tidy up the kitchen again.  
_ _

__“You cleaned up too well the first time, there’s nothing left to do.”  
_ _

__Loki’s back had stiffened at the sound of Thor’s voice. Now he turned and mumbled _'morning' _at him before opening the fridge and burying his head inside.____  


Thor leaned against the doorframe and folded his arms. “Talk to me, Loki.”  


“I just did.” Came the voice behind the fridge door.  


“We can’t just avoid anything awkward or unpleasant, that’s no way to live your life.”  


The fridge door slammed shut revealing Loki holding a carton of juice.  


“How his Norway this time of year?”  


Thor chuckled. “Okay, so I’m a hypocrite. But surely that example just proves my point?”  


Loki raised an eyebrow on his way to the sink but otherwise didn’t respond.  


“At least tell me how you know about Jane?”  


Loki rested one hand on the side of the sink and the other on his hip. He sighed.  


“Odin mentioned it on one of his visits. Just casually dropped that utterly devastating fact in his usual List of Things That’ve Been Happening. I loved your dad, Thor, but he could really be tone deaf sometimes.”  


Thor nodded his agreement.  


“And so, I obsessed over her for months: was it serious? Were you fucking? Were you really straight and everything that happened between us was just a conflation of romantic and platonic feelings?”  


“Jesus.”  


“I know but shut up and let me tell the story. So, Odin’s next visit rolls around and the whole time I’m waiting for him to mention Jane again. I’m half expecting him to announce your engagement. When the guard announces that it’s time to say goodbye, I finally just give up and ask him – he doesn’t even get who I’m talking about at first. When I explain, he’s all ‘Oh, I forgot all about that; that didn’t last very long at all’ and don’t I feel like a prize twat.”  


Thor smirked at the last part. He wondered which of Loki’s indirectly-asked questions to answer first.  


“I wasn’t sleeping with you because I’m so sheltered that I don’t understand the difference between friends and boyfriends.”  
Loki pursed his lips but did not interrupt.  


“Jane was… she wasn’t an experiment, I’m not an arsehole. She was nice and I liked her and she made it very clear that she liked me so I just thought, why not? But I felt like I was just going through the motions the whole time and she could definitely tell. It was a relief when she announced that she was moving to do her PhD. I guess she’s a doctor now.”  


“She is.”  


When Thor looked up for an explanation, Loki avoided eye contact and muttered “Facebook.”  


Thor could not help but laugh. Loki rolled his eyes and finally poured himself some juice.  


Thor watched Loki’s back as he geared himself up to say the next part.  


“I’m asexual.”  


Loki turned so quickly he almost spilled his juice.  


“Have you heard that term before?” At Loki’s nod he continued. “Sex is… I do like sex when I can get out of my own head enough to actually enjoy it but it’s not a big thing for me and I’m not really attracted to people in that way.”  


He had no idea what to make of Loki’s smile.  


“I figured as much. I mean, I didn’t have any specifics nailed down but I got the gist. I’m glad you’ve got yourself figured out.”  


There was a bleep. Loki fished his phone out of his pocket and pulled a face at it.  


“Shit. Fan’s on his way here.”  


Thor did his best to ignore the ugly spark of jealousy that caused in him. “You have a fan?”  


“Fandral, my barber friend I told you about. I forgot I’d told him to come today. Why don’t you jump in the shower and I’ll sort the living room out?”

Thirty minutes later, Thor was sat on a wooden chair in his living room whilst Fandral combed out his wet hair.  


Fandral, it transpired, was the very image of a hipster barber. He had a Van Dyke complete with a curly moustache. He had scissors tattooed on his chest, which Thor could see because he only had about three of the buttons on his shirt actually fastened.  


“Right so, what are we doing with this? How short are we going?”  


“Not very.” Thor had not actually decided. In fact, he not given a haircut a second thought after telling Loki he needed one.  


Loki was perched on the arm of the sofa. “I was thinking that an undercut might look nice.”  


Fandral made a considering noise above him. “A couple of inches off the length and an undercut sounds good to me. What do you think, Thor?”  


“I trust Loki’s judgement.” He could only just about see Loki from the corner of his eye but it looked as though he was smiling.  


“And the beard?”  


Thor had used his beard shampoo in the shower and was pretty impressed with the results. He had to admit it was still too long, though.  


“A bit shorter and neater, please.”  


A phone vibrated. “Okay, I just need to answer this. Lokes, can you comb Thor’s beard out?”  


Fandral disappeared into the kitchen. Loki came to stand in front of him.  


“Lokes?”  


“I know, I hate it. Keep still.” He leant over and began to comb through Thor’s beard.  


“Is this even a thing that really needs doing?”  


“There’s a decent chance it’s just a wind up but, in case it isn’t, stop talking so I can actually do it.”  


The silence that followed would have been quite comfortable had it not allowed for Fandral’s voice to drift in.  


“Oh, I’m at Loki’s boyfriend’s house. He won’t go out to get his haircut so I’m doing a home visit. No, I don’t why; maybe some kind of anxiety disorder.”  


Loki’s face had screwed up at the word ‘boyfriend’ and then got tighter with every word that followed. Thor was worried he might do himself some permanent damage.  


“Pretty handsome. He’s got like a Viking bear kinda thing going on. And he’s a homeowner; my boy’s landed on his feet here, no mistake.”  


Loki finally gave up on the combing. “Fucking Fandral! I didn’t tell him you were my boyfriend, I swear.”  


After the initial awkwardness, Thor had begun to find the whole thing pretty amusing.  


“Did you tell him I was a pretty handsome Viking bear?”  


Loki smirked. “No, he just has eyes.”  


Fandral burst back into the room. “Sorry about that, folks. Hogun, my better half. Barely says two words in person but get him on the phone and he turns into a right Chatty Cathy.”  


Loki returned to his perch and let Fandral get back to work. 

Thor could not stop staring at himself in the mirror. He felt like he hadn’t seen his actual face in eons. Loki had been right about the undercut, it looked fantastic and his head felt ten pounds lighter. Fandral’s face appeared in the mirror behind him.  


“You like it, then?”  


“Yes! Thank you so much.” He turned and offered Fandral his hand.  


Fandral chuckled but took it. As soon as he let go, he pointed to Thor’s t-shirt.  


“You’re covered in hair, you know.”  


Thor looked down. It was crazy just how much hair there was to clean up, not only on himself but all over the floor. He made a half-hearted attempt to brush his t-shirt.  


“You’re best off taking it off and shaking it over the bin, I think.”  


“I, erm…”  


Loki walked in, having returned the chair to wherever he’d found it. “What’s going on?”  


“Trying to trick your man into taking off his clothes but he’s not falling for it.”  


Loki made a show of pulling out his phone. “Can I call you a taxi, Fan?”  


“Oh, he’s heartless!” Fandral clutched at imaginary pearls. “I’ll make my own way back, thanks. Nice meeting you Thor.”  


As Loki went to show his friend out, Thor headed for the kitchen. He took his t-shirt off and shook it out over the big kitchen bin. A ludicrous amount of hair came off. He was just deciding on the best way to deal with the hair on the living room carpet when he heard Loki.  


“Thor?”  


“Shit!” He scrambled to get his t-shirt back on.  


When his head emerged from the hole, Loki was in front of him looking worried.  


“Everything okay?”  


“Yeah, I was just trying to clean myself up.”  


“Okay. Come here, lemme have a proper look at you.”  


Eyes down, Thor went. His hands fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt.  


Loki slid a hand under his hair to touch the shaved part of his head.  


“I was right about the undercut, wasn’t I?”  


Thor looked up, returning his smile. “I was just thinking that a minute ago.”  


“You look fantastic, Thor, so handsome.”  


Thor laughed on a reflex. “Shut up!”  


“I mean it!” Loki’s expression shifted to serious. “Listen, when I was putting the chair back, I got a call from the bar.”  


It took for a moment to remember what bar. “Oh? Did you get the job?”  


“I start the day after tomorrow.”  


“That’s great!” Thor pulled him into a hug, the awkwardness of a minute ago forgotten.  


*  


Thor had forgot that he was meant to be switching rooms.  


He and Loki said goodnight on the landing. Then Loki went into Thor’s room and Thor stood there awkwardly for a minute before going into his parents’ room.  


He had not bothered with fresh sheets - he’d only done that in his room for Loki’s benefit. It was probably too warm to get in bed anyway. He lay down on top of the covers.  


This was fine. Weird, but fine. In time he could probably come to think of this as his own room. Maybe. He had barely touched anything in here. He’d barely been in here.  


The last clear memory he had of being in this room was when he had packed a bag of Odin’s things to take to him in the hospice. 

Thor was relieved to see that Loki’s light was still on.  


He knocked and opened the door slowly, giving Loki the chance to shout if he wasn’t decent.  


Loki was sat up in bed, his thumb marking his place in a book.  


“Thor?”  


“Sorry. I…” Try as he might, he could not put it into words.  


“You didn’t feel right sleeping in your parents’ room?”  


Thor nodded.  


Loki found his bookmark and put his book on the cabinet.  


“Get the lights, would you?”  


Thor did so, then made his way in darkness to the space Loki had made for him in bed.  


He could not see Loki so he slid his hand around until he grasped what felt like Loki’s forearm. He gave it a squeeze.  


“Goodnight.”  


“Night.”  


Thor settled down into the most peaceful sleep he’d had in years. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you think there's any tags that I need to add please let me know. 
> 
> Twitter: https://twitter.com/foxleggs


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